The day after I posted last on this blog, my life was shattered. My husband of 16 years, best friend, and father of my 3 boys, Casey Crafton, was on AA Flight 5342 when a Blackhawk helicopter crashed into the airplane over the Potomac River, killing all 67 people on board. Everything in my life changed in a moment and art and design took a back seat. I do find writing so healing, and I think I should utilize this blog more often, whether anyone reads it or not. My goal is to fill my life with positivity, so this I where I will begin on my website.
Music has been a lifeline for me this year. When I lost Casey, I felt like I was grasping at anything positive I could find that gave me the smallest amount of hope for my future, which looked quite bleak, and quite frankly, destroyed. I’ve always been an optimistic person by nature. Contentment came fairly easily, and I’d see the beauty in tough situations. I was even ok with bumps in the road, all the while assuming we were becoming stronger and more resilient and would be more thankful once we made it to the other side…
But this knocked me right off my feet. This felt impossible. I felt broken and struggled to find my positivity, wondering if it was gone forever, but God continually placed blessings before my eyes, one after another, reminding me I was not alone, He loved me and the boys and there was still beauty on this earth. I refused to accept this as the new me, or my new way of viewing the world around me. It felt horrible, like everything was gray and draped in sadness. I am a problem solver by nature, but there was no way to fix this or bring Casey back. That was the worst feeling of all. All my closest friends will remember me immediately talking about fighting to find joy again. I didn’t know how, but I was going to figure it out, because my boys had already lost their dad, and I wouldn’t allow them to experience a secondary loss of the mom they knew and loved.
One of Casey’s best friends, Mark Koerbel, plays violin and was in town in the weeks after Casey’s death. I pulled out 2 violins for us to play (that alone is surprising, looking back), and while everything around me was sad and overwhelming, my emotions raw and my head spinning, I still felt love for music. How was that possible?? That gave me a small glimmer of hope that I held tightly to, and that I would revisit later on.
Casey was intertwined into everything in my life, and I felt loss at every turn. As the weeks and months marched on, I needed something to fill the quiet moments - something that felt positive, familiar and comforting with or without Casey. Since music has been something that has been a part of my life since I was a small child, I had hope that I could be fully immersed in music and not feel the loss, even for a moment. But also, it gave me a way to express my deepest loss in a beautiful way. Playing violin and singing helps me to feel connected to Casey, knowing I am doing one of the things he was most proud of.
I had wondered for quite a while how music would sound in the empty silo on the farm I grew up on. When I finally got out there to try it out, it immediately became a special place of healing. In my tragedy, I felt I was shoved out in a spotlight in my most vulnerable state, for all the world to see, with no choice in the matter and nowhere to hide. The silo, located in a place full of happy childhood memories, was a place where I could be hidden away - it provided a place of solitude filled with music and that was what I really needed, more than I even knew. Now, when I find a little time here and there, I go out there to sing or play violin.
This past summer, one day after church, I recorded this song to see how my violin sounded with the acoustics of the silo. I had no intentions of sharing this publicly, but after nudges from multiple people (you know who you are), I realized while music can be so healing, it is also meant to be shared with others. I don’t have all the fancy equipment, and honestly don’t even know the best way to record music, but this will do for now.
Music has been a gift from God and I hope this is a blessing to you. ❤️
Cover of Shallow. Thank you Sing King for the backtrack.